Tag: reality

Changes

Life is full of change, some good, some not as good.

Back in January, I accepted a position with a new company. This change was a good thing, at least on the surface. Unfortunately, things at the new job have not lived up to expectations. For that reason, I’m passively looking into potential new opportunities. Recruiters regularly approach me, so if an opportunity comes my way, I may look into it. I do have my resume submitted by recruiters to two different companies right now, and we’ll see if anything comes from it.

One benefit that did come from this job was the ability to work from home. Any new opportunity I look into would also be a remote position. Back in May, I was informed that the house I was renting was being put up for sale. Working remote allowed me to be more open in where I chose to move. After a couple of weeks of searching, I found a townhouse in an apartment community in the area where I grew up. This put me back within 10 miles of family and old friends. My family is very close, so being that close was a pleasant change. Unfortunately, this also meant that my time online was being affected. When push comes to shove, I will choose things offline as opposed to online, which has caused some scheduling conflicts for me, and some additional frustrations.

What does this mean? First, my online time is reduced to Saturdays, which, at the very least, will be my DJ set on Saturday afternoons. Saturday mornings I should be able to set aside to take care of sim related priority business. Saturday evenings are questionable at this point. The rest of the week is pretty much gone. I might have some time here and there to take care of things for the sim or peripheral things related to the sim, such as the blog. I also have my own personal projects that I have to find time to complete, such as the calendar. There’s a lot going on, and only a limited amount of time in which to accomplish anything.

It hasn’t been an easy decision to make, but it was a necessary decision. I will still be online, even if it is in a much more limited capacity.

Microsoft Certification

I’m a software architect who works for a technology consulting company. I’ve programmed since I was in middle school. I started with BASIC and later moved into web design. HTML, XHTML, CSS and JavaScript was my focus for a few years. From that, I moved into PHP, ASP, and Visual Basic 6. As the technologies evolved, I moved into ASP.NET, VB.NET, and C#. Ten years ago, I started working with Microsoft’s contact management system, Microsoft CRM 4.0. I did a lot of customization work, which heavily used C#, HTML, and JavaScript. Five years later, I received three separate Microsoft certifications related to Microsoft Dynamics CRM 2013. Times and technologies continue to change and evolve, which means it is now time for me to gain some new certificates for Microsoft Dynamics 365.

As of yesterday, I started studying for the first of five exams I’m looking to take. Studying has never been easy for me. I learn best through hands-on experience and finding the answers to issues I encounter along the way. Real world application always trumps textbook answers for me. Despite that, these certifications are essential. They are a benefit to me, my career, and my employer.

What this means is that I now need to restructure my schedule to include times for study. I want to spend time each day in preparation, even if it is an hour out of the day. As of today, I’m not sure how I’m going to schedule my study time, or how it will affect my time in Second Life. There is always so much to do, and time is lacking.

Personality Coloration

I have mentioned it before, but there are differences between how I am online, versus how I am offline. I consider my online identity closer to my true self, while the offline identity is more the self I have to be from day-to-day. I’m no psychiatrist, so I have no idea what that means, it’s just something I’ve come to accept over time.

Now, I’ve recently been exposed to another personality test, very similar to ones I’ve taken in the past. This one is based on colors, and offers just as valuable insight into who I am as the other ones that I’ve taken. Like any of the other personality tests, it just helps me understand myself better, and, hopefully, give me insight into understanding others more.

True Colors is the name of the personality assessment. I went through a series of ten questions plus looking at what colors meant, and rated them to what sounded most like me, and what sounded least like me. At first, I did this based on my offline self, as it was a requirement to do there. Later, I decided to retake it based on what I consider to be my online self.

  • Offline Self = Gold/Green, Blue, Orange
  • Online Self = Blue, Green, Gold, Orange

For my offline self, gold and green were almost equal, with gold just slightly higher than my green. My online self, on the other hand, seemed to have a much stronger blue score than green. While the numbers aren’t being shown here, I can say that both green and orange for both offline and online were almost the same. What do these colors mean, though? The following is taken from the True Color web site.

Orange: Energetic, spontaneous, and charming. If you’re an Orange, you tend to be action-oriented and are comfortable taking risks. You probably also tend to be competitive and seek out adventures with opportunities to push the boundaries. Living in the moment and enjoying an adaptable time schedule are important to you.

Gold: Punctual, organized, and precise. “Golds” tend to need structure and organization. If you’re a Gold, then order, rules, respect, and dependability are important to you. Time is a key part of your life if you’re a Gold personality type. You need to be on time and want others to be punctual as well. Following the plan or schedule is best for you.

Green: Analytical, intuitive, and visionary. These are traits of the Green Personality type. “Greens” find innovative thinking and problem solving exciting. If you’re a Green, you tend to be able to see the big picture and able to effectively analyze situations. Thinking outside the box is a real strength. You also have an extreme need to be right.

Blue: Empathetic, compassionate, and cooperative. “Blues” tend to be very social people. If you’re a Blue, you value relationships and harmony. Genuine kindness, sincerity, and compassion are important to you. You enjoy opportunities to work with others and collaborate and any opportunity to develop a connection.

So, I’m not the outgoing, energetic, spontaneous and charming orange. Considering it was almost the lowest possible score, it is the least like me no matter how I look at it. The analytical, intuitive, visionary green is consistent for me as well. It is the punctual, organized and precise gold that is swapped with the empathetic, passionate and cooperative blue. What becomes even more interesting is when I take an average of the numbers, blue, green and gold are almost identical in value.

Ok, what does this all mean? I’m sure you can look at this blog post, as well as others written in the past, and pretty much shout “GREEN!” I do think that the core me is that analytical type, that always wants to know who, what, when, where, why and how. This blog post alone is a clear demonstration of that. This blog post even shows the precision and organization of the gold. The blue and the gold are both part of who I am, as I see aspects of both when I’m online and offline. So, if I had to summarize my true self from all of this, I would probably say that I’m Green, Gold, Blue, Orange, with gold and blue switching depending on the audience and environment. Being honest with myself as well, I would have to say, despite how the score fell for my online persona, I think even that probably still falls stronger to the gold side than the blue.

New Car

Today was an interesting day, to say the least, one that ended with driving a new car home.

On Saturday, I had an issue come up at work, that required me to set up my work laptop from home so I could take care of it. As soon as that was done, I left the house and headed to an extended family member’s 100th birthday party. Later that evening and the following day required me to do some follow-up related to the issue from work, so at the end of the evening last night, I packed my computer up to bring back to the office today.

Today, I got into the office and started hooking my computer up, only to realize I left my mouse at home. So, I worked for most of my day in the office, then at lunch, I went back home and finished off the day from home. As a result, I was off work and already home at 4pm. I decided to do some research on hybrid vehicles before dinner. I certainly wasn’t planning on buying a car yet, it was just some initial legwork for something that may be considered around September, when the new models come out.

My previous car was a 2010 Hyundai Elantra Touring. It was a great car, and I had no problems with it at all. Where I lived before, I was working from home, and most of the driving that was done after hours was highway driving. As a result, I averaged around 27mpg, which wasn’t too bad. For extended trips, I even got up to about 30mpg or slightly higher. Now, though, I work 8 miles from home, and it is all street driving, with a lot more traffic to deal with. That had dropped me down to about 20mpg. As a result, I was looking into the possibility of going with a hybrid later this year.

As I was researching, I looked at the local Hyundai dealership to get more info about their Ioniq. While I was there, I noticed a listing for a preowned 2016 Sonata Hybrid. It had less than 100 miles on it, almost fully equipped, for less than the price of a base model Sonata Hybrid and less than the base model of the Ioniq. It was too good to pass up.

So, instead of dinner, I drove out to the dealership and found out that they had just listed the car, so my timing was perfect. I took it for a test drive, and thought I was give it a try. I have a lot of unpaid medical bills, so I didn’t know if I’d be able to qualify to buy it, but I figured I’d try and see. Well, turned out I did qualify, but my interest rate is quite a bit higher than I would like. So, my goal is to pay the higher interest for the next few months as I start to get rid of some of the lower medical bills from my credit report. Somewhere after the first of the year refinance and try to get a lower rate.

As they were finalizing the papers, I was watching the time. I had to deal with work at 8pm this evening, and it was closing in on 7pm. I told them about my rush for work, so they were able to get things finished, and I was able to drive off the lot at 7:30 in time for me to get home and get to work. I’ll be going back on Friday to pay the last of my downpayment as well as get the complete walkthrough of my car, since we didn’t have much time to go over things.

So, with this new bill, my entertainment/dining out budget is a bit slashed. I’ll be juggling some things over the next few days, recalculating my budget. I’m not too worried about it overall, as after Sunday, the last my moving expenses will be fully paid off. Now it is just a matter of getting old medical bills paid and fitting the car payments into the mix.

Silent Again

It was about two weeks of silence. I didn’t really get much accomplished in those two weeks either. Nothing from my list of things I wanted to do, that is. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. What is the point in anything? I go through the motions of the day, doing what needs to be done, and procrastinating on other things. Even now, as I write this, I’m asking myself why am I doing this. I’ve struggled a little with this before, but ever since the move, it seems to have gotten worse, which doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me.

The move was to a much better job, with a huge pay raise. I like the company I’m working for, and the people I’m working with. It’s always busy, but not usually overly stressful. I’m even planning on working out after I get off work to start getting in better shape. I’ve been trying to do that since starting the job, but something always seems to get in the way.

The move put me closer to my family than I was before. I’m in a rare situation where my family is not dysfunctional, very loving, and very close. Being able to be close enough to spend every holiday, like the upcoming Mother’s Day, with my family is wonderful. My parents even came down a few times to help me get some things done at my house, and then go out to dinner before they went back home.

There is so much more to do here, compared to where I lived before. Since moving down here, I’ve been going different places, eating at new restaurants, just doing different things as I’ve had the time. Usually that was on a Sunday, leaving my Saturdays home. The restaurants could have been at any time of the week. It really is great.

With all that, why am I struggling so much? What is it about myself that I haven’t fully grasped yet? Is there anything that I’m missing? Am I just trying to read too much into things? Why can’t I just enjoy this, and not worry about anything else?

I look back to before. I was working at home. I was off at 3pm, and from 3pm to 4pm, I spent an hour in SL, unless I had an appointment to go to in the afternoon. I’d usually be back in SL between 6pm and 7pm and spend the rest of my evening there. Then weekends I was almost always in SL. Hours upon hours in SL. Probably too much time. Now, I’m hardly in SL anymore. Technically, I could be in between 8 and 8:30, and stay until 10 or so. I do have time on weekends, maybe not as much as before, but still could be there most of the weekend. Yet I’m hardly there now. Is this good or bad?

Why is SL so important to me? Not just SL now, but my entire online identity. I’ve mentioned it before, but it is because that is where I can be fully me. In life, I live as everyone else expects me to live. I had thought about changing that before, but there are just too many risks that I’m just not willing to accept. So, to counter that, I express myself through my virtual self, which I think is more real than my real self. I am Trasee, and Trasee is me.

Does this mean that because I’m not in SL as much, I’m not Trasee? When I’m writing these blogs, writing my stories, playing games on my PS4, who am I? I’m still Trasee. When I’m at work or dealing with other things in life, I’m the other person I have to be. During those times, though, am I really thinking that way? No, I’m just doing what I need to do, regardless of my “identity.” So, what is it that’s really different? What is it that is keeping me in a depressed state more than before?

I don’t have the answers to it. In many ways I’m still trying to learn who I am. I had a couple blog posts here on who I am. Thinking back at them, I wonder how accurate they are. Just like everything else in life, things don’t always line up, and things change as time goes on. Those things I wrote are still true about me, but the reality is much more complex. So much that I have trouble seeing through the fog a lot of times.

For now, I just need to keep pushing forward. I want to push forward. Everything will work out in the end.

LPC Part 2 and Cell Phone Bills

First, Lunar Penal Colony Part 2 is written and posted at Trasee’s Wonderland. Not on the moon yet, but certainly has been fun to write so far.

Second, I have had Verizon Wireless for my cellular service for a very long time. With the exception of a couple years when I tried AT&T, I’ve been with Verizon since before they were known as Verizon. I had a couple phone lines with them as well as a couple additional services, and I was paying around $350 per month. It was ridiculous.
Today, I went to a local T-Mobile store and talked to them. I wasn’t sure if I was going to switch, but after speaking with the sales rep there, I decided to make the switch. Still have two phone lines, but have also added a tablet to the service. One phone is new, the other, my Pixel XL, was brought over to them. There were so many promotions that were attached to my deal. Discount to the monthly bill due to bringing over the Pixel. A tablet that wound up being free. I forget what other discounts were applied, but it was pretty impressive. When all was said and done, it brought my bill down to under $200 per month, of that just under $50 per month is related to new equipment, and the taxes and fees are all included. So, $150 per month in savings. That’s not bad at all.
Comparison:
Verizon: Two phones. 1400 minutes shared. Unlimited data (grandfathered pricing). Mobile hotspot on one phone (Additional fee). Unlimited text. Hum service (similar to OnStar) and phone insurance. All that totaled about $350 per month.
T-Mobile: Two phones. Unlimited talk, text, and data. Mobile hotspot on both phones. SyncUp (comparable to Hum), phone insurance, and a new tablet with internet came to $150 per month, with $50 extra for the equipment. Oh, and there’s no interest on the equipment either.
Now, I’m probably still going to pay around $1000 to Verizon as I was still paying them for my Pixel, the cancellation of the Hum Service, and whatever my final bill is with them. Still, when you’re considering the savings, that will be recovered very quickly. Overall, I would say this has been a good day.

Easter

Happy Easter to everyone! I hope you all have a wonderful day, no matter what you choose to do today, whether you celebrate or not. I’ll be heading off to visit family later. I’m happy that I only live about an hour away (a bit longer with traffic) from family now. It was hard only seeing family once or twice a year before, because we’ve always been close. This is the first family gathering I’m going to be able to attend since the move, and I’m happy about that.

Now, I could stop there, and wouldn’t blame anyone else if they want to stop at that point. From this point forward, I’m going to be sharing something else I don’t really talk about much. I’m going to share my faith.

I’m a follower of Christ. I’m not a follower of religion, which includes Christianity. You might be asking yourself don’t Christians call themselves ‘followers of Christ?’ Yes, there are many that do. Unfortunately, many of those same people put more focus on following their religion rather than following Christ. Jesus had words for people like that: whitewashed tombs.

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean.”
Matthew 23:27 NIV

What is religion? It is man’s attempt to reach God. It’s trying to do things to earn your place in heaven. It often manifests itself in hatred, bigotry, prejudices, and all sorts of other negative qualities that humanity shares. This evil that is being done on others in the name of religion can clearly be seen in every aspect of our world today. Is it any wonder why Christ and His followers are so easily dismissed in this world?

So, what does that mean for me and my faith? First, and most essential, I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there is a God in heaven. There is mountains of proof to his existence, and anyone who earnestly seeks after the Truth can find it. In addition to that, He has made Himself known to me in many ways personally. I’ve personally seen Him move in my life. He’s delivered me from so much, and given me so much more. I could never have gotten to where I am today, or through the trials I’ve gone through in life, without His strength and His goodness carrying me.

Second, I know Jesus of Nazareth was born to a virgin. I know He lived for ~30 years with his family before beginning His public ministry. I know He journeyed throughout Judea performing miracles, raising the dead, teaching people about God, and telling them that He was God. Jesus is the Son of God, and He is God. Jesus was a man, born and lived among us, suffered with us, and could relate to every one of our needs. The reason He was executed was because He professed to be equal to God.

Why is the death of Jesus important? It is important to realize that when we are born, we are born to die. At some point in our future, we will meet our end in this world. When we were born, we were also born dead to God with something called sin. Everyone has it, and everyone knows it. There is no one here that is perfect. It doesn’t matter if it is just a simple “white lie” or the act of murder, we’re all imperfect. Because of that, when we die, we would all go to hell, a place of eternal suffering and torment, which is often referred to as the second death.

Jesus, being fully God and still fully man, lived a life without sin. He was perfect, unlike anyone else. He went to the cross willingly. He was sent to this earth for just that purpose. When He hung on the cross, one of the phrases He said was “It is finished.” What was finished was the separation between God and man. Anyone who believed in Jesus and accepted His finished work on the cross, could gain access to heaven. They would gain eternal life and avoid the second death.

There was still one more act to follow, though. If Jesus did not rise again, then all that would be for nothing. We would all still die in the end, and there would be no hope. Yet, on the third day, Jesus did rise from the dead. This resurrection is what we celebrate on Easter Sunday. His resurrection and ascension into heaven allows us that full access to God, as God’s children.

I’m still human. I still sin. I still do things that God would not approve of. Despite all that, I still believe and trust in Him. I do try to live right according to what He would want. I will never be perfect, but I will always follow Him. I’m not trying to do things to earn my place, because my place was already bought and paid for by Jesus Christ.

God doesn’t send people to hell. That is where everyone is going from the moment they are born. God did make a way of escape, though. There’s only one way to escape, one door in which we can pass through, and that door is very narrow. God offers us that choice, and we’re asked to choose life, so that we might live. Not only live with Him after we die here, but also live much fuller lives here as well, of which I can personally attest.

Those who call themselves Christians need to stop hurling rocks at others. Those who call themselves Christians need to stop forcing those who don’t believe to act like they believe they should act. Jesus only spoke harshly against the religious who did just that. To those who did not believe, He simply showed them His love, His grace, and His mercy. That is the desire of my heart, to love others and show them what I know to be the Truth.

Easter Sunday, of all the Christian holidays, to me is the most important. Yes, on Christmas we celebrate His birth, which is important as well, but His birth only lead to this penultimate moment, where He rose again from the dead, and bridged the gap between God and man. Because of His sacrifice and ultimate resurrection, I, along with all who believe, have become sons and daughters of God.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.”
John 3:16-17 NIV

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”
John 14:6 NIV

Therefore Jesus said again, “Very truly I tell you, I am the gate for the sheep. All who have come before me are thieves and robbers, but the sheep have not listened to them. I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. They will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
John 10:7-10 NIV

The choice is set before everyone. You can enter the door or you can avoid it. I’m just pointing to the door, letting you know it is there. From that point, it is up to you.

Transgender Day of Visibility

March 31 is the Transgender Day of Visibility. Today happens to be the first time I heard of this day. I had always heard about the Transgender Day of Remembrance, and am glad I now know about this day as well. Ever since I started my blog, before I wrote my first post, I had been debating whether or not to write about my own struggles. For me, this day is giving me the courage to speak up.

I don’t know exactly where or how I fall. For me, it is a lot of confusion, a confusion that goes away when I’m online. In my mind and in my heart, I am Trasee, fully female. Unfortunately, my biological gender has never aligned with that. Second Life allows me to be fully myself, without the limitations of my biology. It is one of the reasons Second Life means so much to me, and why I’m online as often as I am. Now that my identity is established in my entire online life, I have more than just SL to make up for what I’m missing in reality.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always disliked how I was born. Many times in my youth, I would pretend I was born differently than I was. I never dressed up, and never had any opportunities to. It was all imagination. I felt different, but I didn’t know what I felt.

In my senior year of high school, and for a couple years beyond, I used to spend time with friends playing Dungeons & Dragons. My favorite character during that time was a female weretiger. I didn’t think much more of it at the time, but I remember it felt much more comfortable to play as opposed to any male character I had ever created.

It was the late 90’s that I started hearing more about transgender. I was in my mid to late 20’s and researching the topic online. I spent a lot of time on it, had a lot of questions, but not really a lot of answers. I read about the struggles, the challenges, the discrimination, the violence, and even about the surgeries involved. Weighing my options at the time, I made the decision not to go any further. While others, it may have been necessary, for me, I couldn’t accept the difficulties that went along with it. It wasn’t an easy decision to make, but it was one that I felt was necessary in my case.

In the early to mid 2000’s, I was involved in play by post role playing on forums. Basically, a form of collaborative story telling. I always considered myself creative, and even in the 90’s and had written many things, even though I never completed them. This was another way to express my writing creativity. As was usual for me, my favorite characters to write were always female. They always seemed to be the most natural for me.

July 2009 I discovered Second Life. In reality, I had first found it in July 2006, but abandoned it after a couple days, not understanding it. The second time was different, though, as I found myself in Faery Crossing, going through a tutorial and being greeted by friendly people. I thought I had to create a male, so that’s what I did, but there were free outfits for females there as well. It was then that I realized that I could be female if I wanted to. So, the very next day, I created a female avatar and entered through Faery Crossing again.

To say it was weird for me is an understatement. I wondered if I was lying to people. Would I just be seen as the stereotypical guy pretending to be a girl? I knew that wasn’t the case, I was a female, but would I be accepted as one? The thought that I was being deceitful led me to tell people right away about my reality. I had been rejected for that several times, which hurt more than I could express. Why would I be hurt by a perfect stranger rejecting me? It shouldn’t have mattered, but it always did. Like anyone else, I just wanted to be accepted for who I was.

In late 2009, I met Arjurna in world. Like others, I told her about my reality, still thinking it was something I had to do. While I don’t remember the exact words anymore, I remember the gist and the emotion behind it. “You don’t have to tell anyone anything. You’re a woman. That’s all you are. Don’t tell anyone any differently.” It was soon after that when Trasee was “born.”

I’ve went through a lot, made a lot of mistakes along the way. I realized, like Arjurna had said, I was a woman, and I wasn’t lying or deceiving anyone by saying that. It is who I am. I learned I didn’t have to make up things about my life just to fit into that idea, that I just needed to be myself. Yes, I still did come out to a couple of my best friends and my Mistress. I’m sure there are a few others who probably suspected it. For the most part, though, I never really talked about it, mainly because I am a woman, why would I say any differently?

Now, I’m coming out completely. Anyone can read this blog and find out the truth. This is very frightening for me to do still, because I’m afraid that I may have people reject me. If they do, they were never friends anyways. Will it hurt, I’m sure it will, but this is a day to be visible, and I want to be proud of who I am.

Earlier in this post I said I don’t know where I fall. That’s because in reality, I still have my choice of not transitioning. I’m not going to go into the details here, as that would be another, very complex, dialog. I’m living as a male, which is something I feel that I need to do, not necessarily something I want to do. I live under the mask, while Second Life and my online identity allow the real me to be presented. It isn’t easy, but it is the choice that I felt I needed to make. If you ask me, I’ll say I’m transgendered or simply gender dysphoric. Although, what I really want to say, and the way I really want to be seen, is as a woman.

Sexuality

I have decided to start an adult version of my blog. This blog will contain more adult oriented themes and content. This is where I don’t have to watch what I say, and can be much more direct than I would be on my main blog. To start this blog out, I wanted to delve a little more into my thoughts on my sexuality.

Sexuality has often been a confusing topic for me. How people saw me and my sexuality, as well as how I saw myself, didn’t always align. In Second Life, I went from straight, to lesbian, to bisexual, to pansexual. I was often sexually active, sometimes overly so. I never wanted to be seen that way, though. I don’t know why that is the case because sexuality in the real world means nothing to me. I was never interested in porn or erotica. Seeing men or women never really excited me in any way, even if they were sexualized in one way or the other, such as in porn.

Recently, I started hearing more about asexuality. I saw several YouTube videos as well as some sites on the subject. I realized how close that sounded to me, that a lot of things in my life started to make sense. That still left me with another bit of confusion, though. If I’m asexual in life, then why does my Second Life sexuality seem so different? Is it because it is safer? Has some sort of unknown taboo been moved away? Or is it really sexuality at all, considering everything is text only and maybe some mutual masterbation?

Being asexual doesn’t necessarily mean I don’t have a sex drive. I may not get stimulated sexually by various situations in life, but I know that the release I can achieve from masterbation does feel good, and is relaxing. I can do it, and have done it, many times without thinking of anything sexual. For me the act of masterbation is just performed to get the release, and then I move on.

There are a lot of things I’ve thought about since first starting to hear about asexuality, to try to understand my behavior as best I can. First, I can tell in reality what makes a man handsome or a woman beautiful. Neither might turn me on, but I can see why others would be. I don’t look at the outside, though, I look at the personality. Someone could be beautiful on the outside, but have the personality of a beast. There can also be someone who isn’t beautiful by society’s standards, but their internal beauty far outweighs that. It is that quality that often gets me interested in someone, and wanting to be with them, even though I’m not looking for sex. Instead, I’m looking for love and companionship. Someone I can share time with, be with, and love without condition. The problem is, most people add sex as part of that love, and it is something I never understood, because I’m not wired that way.

How does all this translate into who I am online, and how different is it from what I’m learning about who I am offline? I make deep connections online and love very deeply. I want the companionship and the romantic love. Sex, despite appearances, was never anything I was actively looking for. Yet, because others were looking for it, I was brought into it as well. I don’t say this as a negative thing either, because I do enjoy it. It is the connection with the other person, the shared experience of it, provided the other person knows how to respond. In many cases, though, it is just an RP, a story I’m enjoying to tell with the other person. It doesn’t make it any less special for me, but it doesn’t sexually excite me. There are exceptions to this, though, especially when it comes to those I’m closest to. In those cases, there is the excitement and the masterbation that leads to the release at that time, or soon after.

If sex isn’t import to me in reality, then why is it important to me in Second Life? If I don’t get any excitement or masterbate most of the time, then why do I even bother? This, of course, is a hard question to answer, as many wouldn’t understand. I do enjoy those scenes, the interaction, knowing that I’m giving pleasure through what I write. Since the person is close to me, then it is my love for them that I want to share that with them and give them the pleasure they so desire. I am getting that connection and companionship that I’m longing for at the same time.

Of course, there’s also the negative aspects to it as well. When I’m fighting my depression, I might have sex with a random stranger just to dull my depression. Thinking it is something “fun” to do, even though it really means nothing to me. There’s usually no connection there, on either side. If my depression is really bad, though, I might go seeking out rape style sex, because I feel like I need that done to me. It isn’t a good thing to do, I know, and fortunately I haven’t done that in quite a while. None of these actions come with any sort of masterbation or release, and the latter is just used to act out my internal pain.

A lot has been written here, but what is the end result? How does this all align with my sexuality, both online and away from the computer? Are they really as different as they appear to be? I think my answer to that would be no, they aren’t different. I’m asexual, but not aromantic. I desire love and companionship. Whether it is male or female, it doesn’t matter to me, although my preference usually leans toward women. Sex online is a way to make that connection deeper. I don’t need to masterbate at the time but depending on who I’m with, or how I’m feeling, I might do it. In addition, the scene unlocks my creativity, which is something that always makes me happy.

Depression

The battles with depression are harder some days than others. I probably should see a therapist about it, but that takes time to do. I don’t feel I need medication for it either, as my depression is rarely, if ever, crippling. Any suicidal thoughts I may have are always fleeting, and never anything that I’d carry through with, so I’m certainly no danger to myself.

Ever since my move and new job that depression has been greater. It has been a little more than two months now, and things are going great. I’m back in Southern California, a little further south from where I grew up. Very nice area, not far from the coast, no more than two hours away from practically everything. I can see my family more now, which, in my case, is a wonderful thing, having gone from about a seven hour drive to just over an hour away. The new job is much better than my last job, more responsibility, and always busy there. Even the pay is much higher, which was one of the motivating factors of the move. There’s always something to do, whether it is work or activities out. So much I’d like to do still, both on the computer and away from it. Yet, despite all those good things, there’s still the depression there more than it was before the move.

Going into Second Life for me was a way for me to be myself, nearly complete. Before the move, I spent countless hours online. I had more time to do things since I was working at home. Now, working in an office, my available time has become far more limited. Not to mention, there’s always been so much that I wanted to do, that even when I had more time, I wasn’t able to get everything done that I wanted. So now, instead of doing anything I wanted to do, I just avoided almost everything. The only times I’m in Second Life now is when my Mistress is on or when I’m DJing at my club on Saturday afternoon. The remaining time, I’d watch shows on Amazon Prime or just play Final Fantasy 15. Well, the latter was something from my “to do” list, so I suppose that is something.

This blog is something else from my list of things I want to do. This is an attempt for me to push past that depression and start taking control again. I’m finding it difficult to get the motivation, but I know that I need to go forward with it. This is not because anyone else cares whether or not I write anything here, nor is it done with any sense of vanity that I’m aware of. It’s simply because I think this will help me move forward, and give me an avenue to express myself and get past this current stage of my depression.

Sometimes there’s no rhyme or reason to depression. Other times, there are specific causes. Some of the causes can be fixed or changed, others have no control, and have to be accepted in one way or another, or it is impossible to move forward. There is so much going on in my life that it is easy to see where some of the areas of depression originate. Yet, at the same time, because there is so much going on, it can often be hard to find the individual trees in the forest of insanity.

As a final note for this particular blog entry, I had adopted the theme of Alice in Wonderland in my life when the Tim Burton remake was released. With how out of control my life seemed, and still does seem at times, it appeared to be a state of madness. This became a way to laugh at my own situation and try to accept everything that was out of control around me. I continue to hold to that thought, among others, as I navigate through the depression and try to make what sense I can out of all the madness.