Sunday, May 7, 2017

Silent Again

It was about two weeks of silence. I didn't really get much accomplished in those two weeks either. Nothing from my list of things I wanted to do, that is. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. What is the point in anything? I go through the motions of the day, doing what needs to be done, and procrastinating on other things. Even now, as I write this, I'm asking myself why am I doing this. I've struggled a little with this before, but ever since the move, it seems to have gotten worse, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me.

The move was to a much better job, with a huge pay raise. I like the company I'm working for, and the people I'm working with. It's always busy, but not usually overly stressful. I'm even planning on working out after I get off work to start getting in better shape. I've been trying to do that since starting the job, but something always seems to get in the way.

The move put me closer to my family than I was before. I'm in a rare situation where my family is not dysfunctional, very loving, and very close. Being able to be close enough to spend every holiday, like the upcoming Mother's Day, with my family is wonderful. My parents even came down a few times to help me get some things done at my house, and then go out to dinner before they went back home.

There is so much more to do here, compared to where I lived before. Since moving down here, I've been going different places, eating at new restaurants, just doing different things as I've had the time. Usually that was on a Sunday, leaving my Saturdays home. The restaurants could have been at any time of the week. It really is great.

With all that, why am I struggling so much? What is it about myself that I haven't fully grasped yet? Is there anything that I'm missing? Am I just trying to read too much into things? Why can't I just enjoy this, and not worry about anything else?

I look back to before. I was working at home. I was off at 3pm, and from 3pm to 4pm, I spent an hour in SL, unless I had an appointment to go to in the afternoon. I'd usually be back in SL between 6pm and 7pm and spend the rest of my evening there. Then weekends I was almost always in SL. Hours upon hours in SL. Probably too much time. Now, I'm hardly in SL anymore. Technically, I could be in between 8 and 8:30, and stay until 10 or so. I do have time on weekends, maybe not as much as before, but still could be there most of the weekend. Yet I'm hardly there now. Is this good or bad?

Why is SL so important to me? Not just SL now, but my entire online identity. I've mentioned it before, but it is because that is where I can be fully me. In life, I live as everyone else expects me to live. I had thought about changing that before, but there are just too many risks that I'm just not willing to accept. So, to counter that, I express myself through my virtual self, which I think is more real than my real self. I am Trasee, and Trasee is me.

Does this mean that because I'm not in SL as much, I'm not Trasee? When I'm writing these blogs, writing my stories, playing games on my PS4, who am I? I'm still Trasee. When I'm at work or dealing with other things in life, I'm the other person I have to be. During those times, though, am I really thinking that way? No, I'm just doing what I need to do, regardless of my "identity." So, what is it that's really different? What is it that is keeping me in a depressed state more than before?

I don't have the answers to it. In many ways I'm still trying to learn who I am. I had a couple blog posts here on who I am. Thinking back at them, I wonder how accurate they are. Just like everything else in life, things don't always line up, and things change as time goes on. Those things I wrote are still true about me, but the reality is much more complex. So much that I have trouble seeing through the fog a lot of times.

For now, I just need to keep pushing forward. I want to push forward. Everything will work out in the end.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Orientale Station

The first part to take place on the moon has been written in Lunar Penal Colony. I found out about these things on the moon called mascons that tended to occur in lunar basins. I couldn't find a lot of information related to exactly how they worked on the moon, except they were gravitational anomolies that had caused satellites to crash and made lunar navigation difficult. It seemed like gravity in these areas were denser than other areas. So, it seemed only natural to choose one of these basins to put the penal colony on.

Orientale Basin is a real basin on the moon, and naturally the name extended to to the station as well. As I think about it, the name Orientale Station is a much better name than Lunar Penal Colony. Perhaps that could become the name in the future, or something similar. I'll have to see how the story continues to progress, to see if a better name comes up in the future. For now, the ugly name Lunar Penal Colony will remain.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Story going to the moon

My story is finally about ready to go to the moon. Lunar Penal Colony Part 5 deals with the processing to get to the moon. Most likely, parts 2-5 is mostly going to get redone and significantly trimmed. There will most likely be certain elements that I will keep, possibly reordering the revealing of the backstory to coincide with things that happen during the processing. A lot of what was written was needless filler, just a way for me to keep things moving in my own mind. I'm sure there will be a lot of adjustments if and when I complete this rough draft. Still, I must say that I'm enjoying the writing process, and seeing these ideas being laid out, even if I know that some of it will be thrown away later.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Continued Story

Part four of Lunar Penal Colony is finished. I'm not quite as happy with this part. I'm trying to move things to the moon quickly, but I think I might be just adding some pointless narratives right now. Showing the journey from the courts which will eventually lead to the moon. Almost felt like I was grasping at straws with this section. I'm guessing some of what happens between the courts and arriving on the moon will probably end up on the cutting room floor later. For now, I just keep things moving, and worry about cleanup later.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Feeling Creative

I've now written the third part of Lunar Penal Colony. I have to say I hate that name, but it's only there for the rough draft. Despite the terrible name for the story, I am enjoying the creativity of it, the writing without any plans in mind. Just seeing where my imagination leads me.

When I started, I had just a rough idea about a science station that was a prison complex on the moon. I toyed with the idea of first vs. third person perspectives, and thought first person would make things a little more interesting. You only know what the character knows, nothing more, nothing less. I can reveal things to the reader as they are revealed to the character. I can even get away with a little bit more narrative this way as well.

I could have started on the moon, which was one of the ideas I was toying with. Beginning the story with the character disembarking on the moon. I decided to go back to the verdict in the courtroom first, as I thought that might be a better hook, especially when the reader discovers what the charge is. The birthday was a last minute idea as I was writing it as well.

With the second part, I wanted to build on why the birthday was so important. Everything bad that ever happened centered around the birthday. I was wondering if I could pull it off that way, but as I look back at how I chained the events together, it almost makes sense, in a twisted sort of way.

So, the third part, which I wrote today, was now moving to the detention center, one step closer to the moon. Focused a little more on the character's struggles with self and others. I'm not quite sure how this part really fits in, if it is just needless filler or actually benefits the story. The benefit of the way I'm writing this, though, is I don't have to worry if something is good or not, I just write and keep writing. It's only a first draft, and can be cleaned up later, once the story has been completed.

I still don't have an overall plot, nor do I have an end in mind. I'm just letting one scene lead to the next. The next scene will be moving from the detention center to the space center, and from there to the moon. How many more parts will be in there, I don't know. I imagine it will be two, maybe three more parts. All depends on where my imagination takes it.